Forgive and Forget Not

     So this is something that troubles me.  Greatly.  I understand that forgiveness is good for the body, mind and soul.  And I can wrap my head around forgiving someone, because we're all human and make mistakes.  Sometimes people are hurt unintentionally.  I get it.  I seem to be able to forgive a mistake better than I can forgive a choice that was made with full knowledge and intention to harm another person's body, mind or soul.  I've thought about it and thought about it and thought about it.  I've forgiven and forgiven and forgiven but honestly, it gets tiresome when there is no change.  Oh, I'm at peace with the definitions of forgiveness, and the reasons to do it, I'm just not at peace with how reasonable expectations are about forgiveness.  So, if it's a person's nature to be abusive, or thoughtless, or self-centered, or judgmental, or any number of negative traits, how do you hold them accountable? If he or she is being who he or she is, does he or she need to be forgiven or rather do you need to forgive?  And yes, I really want to be forgiven when I screw up, even if I don't know I screwed up.  I know I hold grudges.  I will take a lot but if I'm pushed too far, beware!  And what about the difference in forgiving someone you care for versus someone you dislike? It can make a difference.  There are people that I haven't forgiven for things that happened many years ago and some people I haven't forgiven for what happened yesterday.   Oh, and let me tell you this, if someone hurts me and he/she knows it and never says "I'm sorry."  Oh, that forgiveness is packed up in a box and shelved like a time capsule.  Don't even get me started on the forgive and forget debate.  Ugh.  Now, if you're wondering who spit in my Wheaties to make me take this train of thought, no worries.  It's one of those life questions that I wrestle with from time to time, like today.  So I'm open to your thoughts and comments.  I'm probably looking for an easy answer to a most difficult question, so I'll understand if you say, "Carol, just let it go."  And I'll let it go..... for now......

Loose Ends

     Good Morning!  Happy New Year!  It's one of those loose ends days, you know, those days when you don't have a plan or schedule.  The weather is cold and dreary and the couch is calling.  There are a million things that "need" to be done but nothing stimulates much energy.  I know my younger readers wish they had days like this, but  my more mature readers know exactly the kind of day I'm talking about today.  It really is a mind over matter situation.  I think that after years in the classroom, my brain (and body) have been trained to jump into the day full of action and then crash later.  So the idea that I could actually watch TV or read a book in the morning is not easily grasped.  And maybe that is the problem, I find myself needing to be productive in the morning but not motivated to clean bathrooms or organize a closet.  Ah yes, there's the always available morning exercise.  It's on the list for later today when the temperature warms a bit.  Sometimes, I label days like this as "vacation" days and give in to the lack of visible productivity.  Some days I label "rest and research" days and spend the day reading up on some of my favorite topics.  Some days, I throw on a coat and ramble through my favorite thrift stores.  Usually, I can turn the day around and get something done after a slow and unfocused start.
     So, I'm wondering when and if you have a "lazy day", what do you do?  How do you make peace with not being busy?  If you don't have the opportunity for a "lazy day", what would you do if you had one?  Me, I've got a plan now, so I'll be ok.  Thanks for listening!

A Voice

     Wow! It appears that I haven't blogged since February!  Time flies when you're having fun, or when you have family and a part time job and a house and a yard and..... you know how it is!  So let me catch you up on some "new" things in my life after 50.  I am addicted to thrift stores and consignment shops.  I have a very special friend of many years who travels with me to favorite stores in the area.  We go out of town about once a month, and occasionally I hit the flea market, yards sales and thrift stores in my hometown.  My husband enjoys thrifting too, so we make it our Saturday morning "date" quite often.  We're planning a trip to Roanoke, Va. to Black Dog Salvage later on this year and we spent one morning in Wilmington, NC not too long ago enjoying yard sales and thrift stores.
     And speaking of thrifting and repurposing, I now make chimepots.  These are repurposed teakettles, coffee pots and etc, made into windchimes using old dining utensils as chimes.  It's been a lot of fun.  I've sold a few, given more away as gifts.  Not sure where this venture will take me but I'm having a ball exploring my creative side.

      So today my thoughts are about having a voice and how blogging helps people get their thoughts in order, sort of repurposing our experiences and ideas in order to help others understand an issue, or to share common experiences, or to just get something off our chest so we can move on with our lives.  I think that having a voice is a basic need.  It's not about getting attention, it's about validation.  If someone hears and acknowledges my thoughts, I feel better.  People don't have to agree with me.  Sometimes I just need to be heard.  My most treasured friends are the ones who let me vent, who may or may not offer a response, but who give me an opportunity to be heard.  I do the same for them.
      I hope you are able to repurpose your experiences and ideas with someone!  Go ahead, start a blog! So what if only 2 people read it, it's still good for the soul! (And personally, I'd rather read your blog than listen to those infamous/famous people "entertainment news stories" that come on after the evening news.)  I like the non-celebrity stories the best. Power to the Real People!

Ripples

      My dear friend has a life changing disease.  Does she worry about herself? No, she worries that she is not doing enough for others.  She is an inspiration.  So, I've spent some time thinking about how much we strive to make a difference in the lives of others, about how empty it feels not to be making a difference.  Yet, we all aren't called to be saints or missionaries or visionaries. 
     I'm touched by the random and nonrandom acts of kindness that are getting more attention these days.  There's a young woman who writes "love letters" of support to strangers, there's a young man who stands on the side of busy streets holding signs with positive messages, a lady who gave her Cadillac to a student so he could commute to school, the postal worker who says something positive to each customer, the list is endless. 
    One smile, one kind word, one positive gesture has a ripple effect that is boundless.  If one person connects with another in a positive way and each person in turn connects with another, wow!, what a statistic!  And from each small circle, a larger one develops!  The ripple effect!  I wonder how far a ripple could go and for how long!  How many opportunities each day do we have to start or continue a ripple?  A simple smile could reach around the world!  Of course, the opposite is also true, a negative event could cause the joy to be sucked out of a situation.  That's also food for thought.
   To my dear friend, I say the positive power of one to one cannot be discounted.  You do make a difference, it extends beyond our understanding and knowledge.  Yes, one smile is enough to start a ripple.  Here's to the power of the positive ripple!  I'm smiling at you!

Sleepless in Roxboro

     There have been some sleepless nights recently, mostly due to anxiety about issues in my life.  A quote found me that basically reflected that anxiety was my brain's attempt to live in the future rather than the present.  I like that perspective and will try to use it to curb my tendency to freak out.  Now mind you, I feel that a little bit of anxiety is necessary, it keeps one on her toes.  It's the paralyzing, mind controlling anxiety that I'm not good with controlling. 
    Don't you just love it when you go to bed and a problem gets on your mind and keeps you from drifting off to sleep.  I know I wrestled with a particular problem for over an hour.  It involved sharing a piece of information or keeping it to myself.  I went over every perspective, scenario, method I could think of at that time to figure out what to do.  I couldn't involve my usual talk it over people because one, it was the middle of the night, and two it involved one of those people.  Usually my advice to others, and myself, is to give it three days and most problems will work themselves out, or at least the circumstances will change.  But even this thought process would not let me get to sleep.
   Finally, I just gave it up.  I just said, "Lord, I don't know what to do, I'm going to have to send this one back to you."  Sounds simple,right?  Not for me.  I'm a mediator and a fixer and a problem solver.  Giving up is not an option I choose very often.  But it worked.  I drifted off to sleep.  Yes, I'm still thinking about the problem today but I'm content with not taking action.  I am waiting my three days to see what happens.
   So if you're wrestling with something that's keeping you sleepless, I feel you!  And if you have some insight, please feel free to share. 

Listen and Learn

     Wow!  I knew it had been a long time since I posted but I didn't realize that I hadn't posted since September.  Yep, life after fifty has been super busy!  There's been time spent on family, friends, and home stuff.  There's a part time job that requires a lot of mental energy and reflection.  I had  many thoughts about the election but most of them I chose to keep to myself and not share on a blog.  Politics are simply complicated.  Perspective makes such a difference in what one believes is right or wrong.    
       So life after fifty for the past few months has been a time of listening and learning rather than speaking out.  I've learned how difficult it is for the elderly to find purpose and meaning in life when life has become so different from what it used to be for them.  Using technology and working with the health care system can be so overwhelming for people my parents' ages.
      During the presidential campaign I learned how separated we are as a society by tunnelvision created by our limited realities.  I believe what I believe because of my knowledge and experiences.  But my neighbor may have a totally different view with just cause based on his/her knowledge and experiences.
      I've learned from the wonderful young adults that I work with about resiliency and perserverence during the transition from college to the reality of becoming effective educators admist the disappointments, challenges and and frustrations that come with a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week profession.
      I've listened to many people.  I've heard their joys and sorrows.  I find that lessons are all around me.  I am humbled by the human spirit.  So, as the new year begins, I will return to blogging with a renewed desire to share my thoughts and a new desire to keep perspective in mind before I pass judgement.  Have you been listening and learning too?  Feel free to share!

Scarred or Carved?

     Recently a beautiful young friend of mine shared her thoughts on the scar she received on her face from "being in the wrong place at the wrong time". I noticed the scar when I first met her, but I don't see it anymore.  She is such a beautiful spirit that she glows and the scar  is diminished in her light. She credited those scars for changing her life, in a good way.  So my mind started wandering around and around thinking about scars, physical and mental. I have scars too.  We all do.  Some are healed. Some are not.  Physically, I credit the scar I have from melanoma for changing my perception about life.  I was so worried that I might not live to see my daughters grow up.  Well, I did.  That scar is a daily reminder of the fragility of life and a victory of life.  My leg is forever marred, but it's inconsequential in the big picture of things.  That scar is healed, physically and mentally.  But I have some others that are not.  And it may be that I haven't let those emotional scars heal because of fear of being hurt again, the wounds keep me cautious and wary. 
     In order for wounds to heal, a scar has to form.  If the wound is opened continuously, there is no healing.  This observation made me think about the emotional wounds that people have that don't heal because the circumstances keep causing the wound to reopen.  It gives an insight into why people behave the way they do.   I also thought about how our scars identify us.  Wasn't it Thomas in the Bible, who recognized Jesus because of his wounds/scars?  Do our scars identify us?  Do they tell our story? 
     So the Universe scars us if we live a full life.  But doesn't a sculptor scar/carve the marble to bring out the beauty of the sculpture?  In the end, the marble is transformed into something that creates a deep feeling in the mind of the one who appreciates it, something of timeless beauty. The scars are no longer visible in the beauty of the art.  I say, embrace the scars, choose to let them heal, choose to be better because of them.  Choose to be a masterpiece!